Obsessive Ex Syndrome

There are some people who are unable to mentally "let go" of a partner after a break-up. At first it just seems like a difficult breakup. They keep calling, keep visiting, keep arguing and trying to reconcile.

Then they're following, stalking or threatening their ex-partner.

Then vandalizing belongings, or escalating to personal violence, or killing the partner's pets.

Left unaddressed, in extreme cases the syndrome may progress to the point that the ex kidnaps or kills their children, resorts to murder, or commits suicide.

It is important to recognize this syndrome in its early stages and take preventive steps. The longer the obsession persists without interruption or intervention, the more the obsessor will lose contact with reality.

The general media has not yet acknowledged this syndrome. Obsessive Ex Syndrome is rampant. It is difficult to estimate the magnitude of this problem because media reports break it up into little pieces, describing individual incidents only when they reach an extreme end, instead of acknowledging the overall picture.

Many reported cases of "husband murders wife" are actually Obsessive Ex Syndrome. Reporters assume that if the two have the same last name, they're married. Often it isn't until the 2nd or 3rd day that follow-up news reports are corrected to show that they were not "husband and wife", but were divorced or separated.

Obsessive Ex Syndrome is not gender-specific. There are many ex-wives and ex-girlfriends who will not leave their ex-partners alone. This site deals primarily with female victims, but we are compiling data on male victims for later expansion.

Obsessive Ex Syndrome must be identified in the early stages, and action be taken against its progression. Doing nothing is not the answer. Some articles claim that taking action is what drives an Obsessive Ex to worsening behavior. Actually, the syndrome may continue and worsen in any individual case, but it is LESS LIKELY to worsen if early action is taken against progression of the behavior.


Stages of Obsessive Ex Syndrome
Not all stages occur in all cases -- however, when looking back, some stages may become apparent in retrospect:


Stage 1 - Courtship
The Obsessive male has identified that a certain woman makes him feel important and powerful. He lays on all the charm he possibly can to show how wonderful he is. On a subliminal level he tests how much control he can begin to effect over her life and activities. If he finds that she can be manipulated, she becomes even more attractive to him as a potential partner.


Stage 2 - Relationship
The Obsessive male establishes his mate as a main symbol of his view of himself as the center of the world. He establishes control over her life and activities, or battles with her for control over these things. He uses any ploy to maintain control of their world; he may use deceit, money, intimidation, violence.


Stage 3 - Break-Up
The Obsessive Ex will not accept that his partner has decided the relationship is over. In his view, that is not her decision to make. He argues with her incessantly. He employs any means possible to re-establish his control over her.

If there are divorce proceedings, he may try to delay the outcome, or try to use the case to "punish" her via specifics of the divorce agreement.

If there is a child involved, the child becomes (for him) an object that he uses to try to regain power. He may use visitation arrangements as a tool to harangue the woman, or view the legal proceedings surrounding the custody question as a way for him to battle for control over his ex.


Stage 4 - Stalking
The Obsessive Ex keeps trying to arrange contact or have conversations with her, even though she has indicated there is nothing left to discuss. Stalking behavior may also include following, watching, spying, monitoring, asking other people about her or spreading rumors about her, increasing contact with her friends, family or co-workers, etc.

(Many people do not recognize stalking for what it is. Friends, co-workers, and family members may not be supportive of the woman; they will see the Ex's behavior as unimportant and assume that he will stop this behavior soon.)


Stage 5 - Threats
The Obsessive Ex now tries to employ intimidating contact, threats, or illegal interference to force the woman to come back to him.

He may also may vague statements about the safety of her child, or threaten to kidnap her child if she does not reconcile with him.

Physical aggression includes trying to stand in her way, block her path, or walk toward or advance upon her while yelling -- it is not the same thing as physical contact (violence).

Illegal interference includes slander, libel, blackmail, distributing photos of you, etc.

This is the stage at which it usually, finally becomes obvious to the woman's friends, co-workers and family members, that her Ex has become a serious problem.


Stage 6 - Violence
Since the Obsessive Ex views other people and animals primarily in terms of how useful they are to him, he sees them more as objects than live beings. At this stage he is willing to kill a pet, abduct a child, murder a child, or murder the woman, in order to regain his feelings of control and power. He needs to feel like he is in control and he will do anything to accomplish it.


Source: http://www.obsessive-ex.com/oex/index.html