Top 10 Myths About Sexless Marriages (When It's the Man's Choice)

By Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D., and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, M.A.

When we began to research our new book about men who opt out of being sexual with their wives ("He's Just Not Up for It Anymore. Why Men Stop Having Sex and What You Can Do About It"), we tried very hard not to have any preconceived notions. However, very little research had actually been done on this topic, and so, when we first started reviewing the literature, we began to theorize and make some educated guesses. Ultimately, extensive research, along with the 4000 plus people who responded to our survey, helped give us valid insight into an issue that is rarely discussed.

These myths don't necessarily reflect our initial hunches -– they represent what a varied group of people said to us when they first heard about our project. We're sharing them with you because they show that what "everybody knows" isn't always true. For example, when we said that we were researching and writing a book about men choosing to stop having sex with their wives, this would inevitably lead to someone, usually male, saying that those men must be having sex with somebody else. This way of thinking -- "real" men don't eat quiche and "real" men don't stop having sex, either -– may seem dated. Nevertheless, we heard it all the time. And it's simply not true.

The same with the other nine speculations listed below. They represent conventional wisdom, the stuff of women's magazine's and cocktail party conversation. Even though it can be an easy answer to think one's non-sexual spouse is asexual or gay, it's extremely doubtful that he is. The DINS (dual income, no sex) marriage we read about where there is simply no time for intimacy seems to barely exist, at least within the universe of our respondents. And only 14 percent of the men said they were too tired for passion, although 44 percent of the women thought the men were. (Are the men fabricating fatigue as an excuse? Are they depressed? Are they viewing online pornography instead? Are they simply embarrassed to admit being tired? Sometimes conventional wisdom has a shred of truth, just not the complete story.)

The important thing to remember is that there are no simple answers, and a man may choose to stop being sexual for a wide variety of reasons. Frequently, those reasons overlap. "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore" takes you away from what "everybody knows" and into the area of reality, defining the most probable causes and solutions. Anger, depression, erectile dysfunction and hormonal imbalance are some of the things we write about, and we give you a lot of information to help you understand these difficult issues. If you are in this situation, you've got to talk with your partner to find out what his particular truth is, and we give you a lot of suggestions about how you might navigate a discussion with compassion, and without blame.

Following are the top 10 myths. However, statistics only refer to the aggregate, and the fact that the following are unlikely to be valid in most cases, doesn't mean that they are out of the question in your particular set of circumstances. Also, please realize that we are in no way making light of some devastating situations, like discovering that your partner is gay, or unfaithful. We are fully aware of how painful these things can be. We are only saying that, usually, the explanation falls elsewhere.


The Major Myths About Sexless Marriages

1. He's having an affair. (Eighty percent of our male respondents said they were faithful, which is about the same as the national average.)

2. He's gay. (Only about 4 percent of the male population is homosexual, and most gay men choose gay partners. In our survey, less than 1 percent of the men agreed that they were gay.)

3. He's asexual. (Doubtful. Only 1 percent of the population is.)

4. He doesn't have the time. (Just 6 percent of the men agreed.)

5. He doesn't have the energy. (Although 44 percent of the women thought this was the reason, only 14 percent of the men agreed.)

6. If a marriage is sexless, it's almost always because of the woman. (Many therapists agree it is as likely to be the man's decision.)

7. He may be interested in sex, but he was never interested in sex with me. (Only 3 percent of the men agreed.)

8. When couples stop having sex, divorce is inevitable. (The divorce rate of our respondents is below the national average.)

9. Every married couple is having sex except the two of you. (Forty million Americans are in a low-sex or no-sex marriage.)

10. It isn't possible to have a happy marriage without sex. (Not true. It's only a problem if either partner thinks it is.)


Visit Bob and Susan's Web site at www.bobandsusanberkowitz.com.

Bob and Susan's current book, "He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex and What Women Are Doing About It," published by William Morrow can be ordered from Amazon.com.


Source: http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT03/08/01/08/ALT03080108-01.html