Know Your Triggers

We've all been there: our significant other says something to us that pushes a button and in a flash we get defensive, hostile, unhappy--in a word, triggered. Defensiveness erodes trust and loving feelings. But masking our true feelings isn't the answer, either.

SIMPLE SOLUTION: If you can name your buttons, they are less likely to have power over you. The best insurance against having your fears control your life is knowing what they are. You can do this paper-and-pencil activity alone or with a partner to assess your fears. It will help you to get clearer about what triggers you. The result? More compassion, honesty, and love.

Make a copy of the following questionnaire for your partner. Each of you should write your answers privately and then discuss them.

1. Think of instances in your past relationships when your buttons have been pushed and you have been reactive or defensive in response. List several specific examples following the format below:

Button-pushing event:
________________________________________________

Fear that got triggered:
____________________________________________

On the first line, list a specific thing that a prior partner did that triggered you. Then, below each item you listed, name the fear that got triggered. To illustrate how this might look, here's how a workshop participant, Roy, responded:

A. Button-pushing event: Molly said, "When are you going to fix that door?

Fear: I'm not capable.

2. Next, write down what hurtful, scary, or disappointing events from your childhood may have instilled the fear or belief in you listed in each scenario you listed above.

Here is how Roy described the origins of his I'm not capable fear mentioned above:

When I was five, my dad was showing me how to help him put together a plastic playhouse he had just bought of me. I was struggling to get two of the parts to fit together, and all of a sudden, he grabbed them from me and said something like, "Here, I can do it faster. Just let me do it." I felt extremely small and ashamed when he did that. I thought he was saying I was too stupid, too inept to do it myself.

3. How did you overreact in each of the triggering events you listed above?

Here is Roy's response:

When Molly said, "When are you going to fix that door?" I said, "Well, I was going to fix it today, but now you've made me so mad I think I need to wait till next weekend. You know I can't stand it when you push me around like that."

4. Next, complete the following sentence for each of the instances you listed:

If, at the time, I had felt safe enough or been aware enough to express my true feelings, here's what I would have said:
_______________________________________________________________________

Here is how Roy responded:

I get angry when you ask me when I'm going to fix the door. I get my "I'm being controlled" button pushed. This triggers my fear that you don't think I can handle things and that you think I'm not competent.

When we can respond with this level of self-awareness and honesty, our partner's reaction is much more likely to be one of compassion.

HELPFUL HINTS: The ideal partner is not someone who never has unconscious reactions. It's someone who can take responsibility for her own reactions without blaming you.



* Adapted from Saying What's Real, by Susan Campbell, PhD (New World Library, 2005).