What IS Co-Dependency, Anyway?

We all hear the phrase "co-dependency" all the time. Most of us think that it just has to do with people who are living with drunks or drug addicts. They don't really understand what it means, or if they might be co-dependent.

Let's look at the name: "dependency" is a form of the word "dependant" which means "Relying on or requiring the aid of another for support." Children are dependent on their parents. Being "CO" dependent means that two people are dependent on each other, emotionally. Now that doesn't sound so bad, does it?

The problem is when the dependency is hurtful, emotionally stunted and/or keeps one or both people stuck.

When you just never seem to be able to say, "No" when you really don't want to do something, then that makes you co-dependent! This is because of why you can't say no.

Chances are good that it is because you somehow feel that people won't like you unless you are always doing favors for them. Your family won't love you, your co-workers won't respect you, doing things for others whenever they ask just makes you a good person! You are dependent upon others for your personal self esteem and respect.

One of the most important lessons that I learned from attending a woman's group about co-dependency is when a woman said, "I have learned that all the parts of my personality that I thought were my greatest strengths were actually also my greatest weaknesses. Always being the best friend anyone ever had, always doing whatever anyone asked of me, and always putting other's needs before my own were holding me back."

Learning that your needs are important is a huge lesson. You are just as entitled to have your needs met as anyone else. You are just as entitled to care for yourself first!

Learning to say no, in a nice way, and that most people will still like you and respect you when you do is a major step towards breaking the co-dependent cycle and gaining self esteem. If someone gets angry with you or abandons you in some way, just because you can't do something for them the second that they ask you to makes that person a not-so-nice person. Maybe you need to examine why they are in your life in the first place.

Obviously this is just one aspect of co-dependency. If you feel that you may have a problem with this, then finding some help may be the next step. You can get some therapy, find a good Al-Anon meeting about it or even buy a good book on the subject. Just be willing to see that anyone can be co-dependent, and learn to take care of yourself first!

By Sibyl McLendon, Source: http://codependency101.com/codawhat.html